Random Thoughts

****************************DISCLAIMER****************************

This post is no way related to Ms. X about whom I’ve been talking aplenty now a days.  I have no bloody hope that any one of you reading this stupid crap understand a single word. And in case of this particular post, I don’t give a damn. I was so bloody ass-fucked today, That only writing a blog about the wonderful fuck would give a satisfaction. So, here it is. Delivered fresh, hot and juicy. yummy.

I repeat, Don’t even bloody think that this is about Ms. X… I’ll kick your ass till u cant even bloody sit.

************************END OF DISCLAIMER*******************************

I’m loving this!! Every other time you think, You have everything in your grasp, you rule your life, You are the king of your own stage.. Every time you are so close to the affirmative nod.. The heaven’s Gate opens. (nope, i didn’t see any nude angels or faeries, this time) There comes the verdict.

Son, you are not under your control. And you are nothing but a vermin.. a rodent down the sewage. And you have no authority whatsoever to demand, “My life should be like this“

The so damned bloody judge sitting atop the clouds do want to make it bloody clear to me, “I’m always so fucking wrong”

Fuck the relations. yaar! If you ever think that someone bloody understand you, you’re gravely mistaken. And even more, Its a capital-punishment-able offence, if you ever think that you bloody understand someone. Nope. How can you know some other dog when your own mind appears to be a maze to you? nay.

 The gates of the Dark Ages have opened up again, Beckoning me back to the shadows.

They whisper, that they missed me.

But, all these few but wonderful days of colourful ecstasy, I never bothered about them! I presume they’ll be mad at me for that. I presume, Its almost time for me to say,

Home Sweet Home!

Its fun to fool around just under the nose of all those super serious demons.. You know whom I mean.. AIK, for instance..

 Today, I was enjoying each and every moment of my pranky schedule.. Uh!! forgot to tell ya.. It was a university exam. MBSD.. Microcontroller based System Design. The syllabus is too small. no big thing.. just took photostat for around 600 rs.(40ps/4 page). even made us rename the subject MBBS. Exam was as usual, nuts. Or, I would say, kicked our nuts!!!

Well, its not the exam I’m to blabber here.. its the afternoon stuff. Today, 19th December 2007, is/was the last Christmas of Jeevan Joseph in my heavenly abode, Viswajyothi. The morning was awesome. The feeling did make a kick despite the fact that the portions for exam is huge and i still have to cover almost three-fourth! Na.. I didn’t mind much.. I was er.. floating. Finished the exam, ran over to HOD..

Sir, Can we celebrate Christmas??

oh Jeevan, I’m Sorry.. but, No. The permission for celebration is only for first years!

aah! There goes the last Christmas celebration! uh-uh!! Nay, Its said, when u don’t have to look around, when u don’t have to care about anything, the outcome will be rather irrational. well, irrational is not the word I would like u use here.. lets say.. “armmadam.”

So, was I.. trailing along the carol party of the first year students, taking a huge toll from their Christmas cake(of each class, mind you), dancing with the students, hugging the juniors and staff alike, wishing.. OK, I confess, screaming to them merry Christmas, blessing misses and THE lovely teachers (a wink will do wonders, u know!!), never bothering about those stares of professors, HOD’s and all those “should-be-neat-with-those” guys. Nay, I didn’t bother. That moment, the only thought was.. Man, This is your day, and no fucking policy of the bloody principal and no crapo rule of those old assholes can say it is not. You leave this day, and You’re gonna feel the guilt your entire life.. That u missed it.

Nope,I’m not gonna let today pass like that!!

That was exactly what i felt today. I do know, its irrational. For the first time in my life, I  even want to study. I want to study hard. For, I cannot study this after 6months. I want to scream, I want to dance, sing and what not! I want to live, to enjoy, to celebrate my life.

 Its been some time since I’ve been telling myself.. Da, do this.. Do that. Nope. You shouldn’t . what will others think? what about your reputation? No, You have to be polite, sociable and dignified. Not anymore!! You aint do it now, u can’t do it. not even once in your life. Ah.. I take that, now. I’m gonna live my dream. Now, when its almost over, I’m gonna live my dream. God Bless me.

Thinking over again, I presume they do understand my feelings. I mean, the old guys. After all, They’ve been watching stuff like this for pretty long time. eh?? Not a word was spoken against me, and I happily ignored the few raised eyebrows. I presume, They know what is it to be when you feel everything is going out of grip. I think I even noticed a naughty spark in their eyes too!! Who knows!

Its been some time since i’ve started oogling at joey’s and rohan’s blogs..

compared to my old blogger, here, i thought.. hell! ya, its a new feeling!

The pleasent themes, cool widgets.. hmm.. i’m getting used to this new home.

As it always have been, almost every important stuff in my life happens on the eve of an exam which i’ll fuck hardcore. well, tomo, its an exam.

And wordpress.. hmmm. i believe this gonna be important

and i’m gonna fuck tomorrow’s exam.

whatever, Its good to be here. too good.

well, I’ll quote from a hindi song

So, I’ve to make sure that I’m not making a stupid dump decision.
and make sure that This is true love.
Now, whatever i think now.. I’m in this stage of floating, that the answer will always will be
“hell, ya… u love her”
nay. I have to make myself more surer. so, thats exactly I’m waiting for.

Trust me, i’m not completely lunatic. Even I have got some chance for attaining the escape velocity.:)

okey.. Now, there is a phenomena I have always observed.. till the moment i break the ice, people will be with me, contemplating, conspiring, inspiring and making me spit out the verdict. and the moment they know the ‘Ms. X’ is a person they know well, there’s a sort of difficulty for them. A dilema of where exactly they should place themselves between me and her..
aint i right?

Now now, i dont want u to be in that situation.. nay. not u. just wait a little more taaaime.
Just play along, and I’ll make sure that no one knows.
That is because, I dont want to disturb her studies, no matter what. I get her or no, i dont want to disturb her future.
Especially since i love her so so much.

hmm.. i’m getting kinda boring huh?? trust me, dear.. once u are in this stupid state of utter eerie filled doped float, u’ll defenitely loose ur marbles.

Then there is this great relief for me.
I’m at absolute security.
I have nothing to fear. whatever I do, wherevr I leave her for the time being, she’ll be there and there only. I have pacca confidence, that she’ll not drift away, to the arms of any of my competors! so, why should i bloody bother? nay. not me.
She’ll be there for me. preserved in a crystal case, just like an angel. hmm.

angelic. thats the word mom used as an exclaim

PS: I’ll wait.
the waiting gives an additional pleasure. a pleasure of being tormented. The waiting gives me tolerance, temperance, patience and an evaluation of price of what i’ll obtain in the end. She’s worthy of my wait, and she’s too preciouse to be obtained without a struggle.
I’m waiting.