Its raining. The fresh smell of the soil soaked by the new rain still lingers in the air, even though its been some time since the rain started. All I can hear is the sound of rain beating the fragile asbestos which protects me from the mighty downpour. All I can see from here is the silhouette of the rain with the street light in the back ground. The raindrops that fall into that puddle of mud. The illuminated sign of a cross on the top of a church, which is partially visible through the rubber forest which is in front of me. I dare not look to my back. The thickets could be intimidating.

I am alone. I have been standing here for the last 43 minutes, and its just a truck that passed me by. A part of me is intimidated, as I donot wish to be like this not talking for this long. The other part is happy, as the efficiency of those vehicles to splash mud on the bystanders when its raining is close to 200%.

Its late. Well, its almost 3 am. That would partially explain why I am alone in the road. The other part is simple, I had work till now. Was in the afternoon shift. Came in at 3, and then it was 11. But, once we start exploring something, there will be a “fevicol in the seat” syndrome. Well, it was 2.30 when I could get myself up from the seat.

Its flexi tomorrow and I need to get back only by 6 pm. That option triggers another thought. Why not go home?? Its been almost a month that I went home.. 50 km from here; no traffic; it wont take more than 1 hour to reach there. I never take much time to take a decision like this. Decided. Off, I go; and here I stand. Out of the blue started the rain, and I am stuck up in here- in the middle of nowhere. All we have here in the canvas is : Me, My bike, and an asbestos shed which could go down any mment from now

When the wait began, it was irritation, and tiredness. But now, its different. Now, I wonder how long it should have been since I walked in the rain. I wonder if I remember how good it would feel to walk that path again. What am I waiting for?? Walk the path again, or what! I stepped into the rain. gee… It tickles when cold water spluttering on my warm body; Feels good when the droplets go in through the hair locks. Feels even better when I feel the the warmth subside to give room to the cold.

After all these days, It feels like heaven to be a kid.

She was down, that day.. Was almost at the verge of tears.. And when she came running to me, I could not wait to take her in my arms, hug her and let the feeling dissipate. There is a magic, in the act of touch you know.. It makes one hell of a difference. A simple contact of the fingers gives that feeling of security.. I hold you, and you see the unwritten pact; that I will be there for you.

I hugged her. Crushed her, would be a better usage. And there we stood, motionless for an entire eternity.. It could have been a few seconds.. or perhaps hours.. I never know. I wonder if I would ever know..

” I was in this delirium of bliss.. I was so happy for some time. Now, I do not know!! I was in this soap bubble of happiness, believing that nothing could possibly go wrong. And now, the bubble has burst. Etta, I feel so lonely now. Feels like, it never existed! Its not like something happened to prove me wrong.. But I feel so insecure..”

“hmm.. Da, the point is, it is very difficult to say if the bubble is still there or not. Once you are inside the bubble of happiness, you are happy. You are inside, and you believe that the bubble is still there, fine. No issues. You lose the trust, and you reach out to check if the bubble is still there. You touch it and then, it will not be there anymore.

Believe that the bubble exist. Then, even if it is not there, it is not going to make a difference. If not, you are going to destroy your own paradise. You could blame me that I am creating my own sphere of belief around me. Well, yes. I am. But then da, I would prefer to live in my own paradise.”

She withdrew from me, looked into my eyes, and spoke softly. Thank you etta. I wondered what caused her eyes to glisten.

Perhaps, I didnt shudder much when he delivered the verdict. Perhaps it is because I am going through the same shit for the second time in a few months time, that I didn’t utter a curse.

So much for the 30 days training which we so painfully underwent.. Like the most, lost in the oblivion; made for nothing. If I am to analyze the feeling that I am going through now, I believe I will find things that will make me startled, at the least. That is something that I have trained myself all these days. Not the startling part.. But the analysis part.

It is a wonderful feeling that you get every time when you analyze the behavior of the self. Not only that it will help you a lot in understanding the responses; but also, give an insight of the reaction that could trigger in the receiving entity.

The scenario is best suited when you know that you are supposed to be mad at a particular circumstance.
The possible reactions this would have triggered in you would be:

• The tendency to shout at people
• The feeling “Why is this always happening to me??”
• “He is responsible for all this crap that I have to go through now. If only he had not assigned me to this new shit!!”
• I hate this crap!

Well, I think these were the predominant feelings that I had. Now, when I was thinking on it, I was able to structurize the path through which these emotions and feelings build up.

1. The situation is bad : mandatory circumstance
2. We think for a moment; what on earth can I do to improve it. Mind you, a moment. Not more.
3. Finding no immediate shortcut solution, we dive deep into the emotional attack.

Now, I started the analysis at the step 2. Well, I think I extended the time-dom of the step by a bit. It was pretty easy. It could be assumed that if the step 2 comes to a dead end within no time, the invariable destination will be step 3 and through that, depression. I do not want that, do I? Nay. The answer is and will be a stiff necked NO.

So. Thinking on the issue again. What can I do, to improve the shit that I am in. There is not a point in blaming the company. They had to do the work, after all it is business. And I am dead sure that they did not mean it to be personal. So, leave that part. Thinking, we try to define the shit that we are in. Well, if we are to define… Hmmm.. I need to learn a lot of new things. I will have night shifts. Tickets mean no more “lots of free time”. Lots and lots of work.

Once the situation is defined and we have a clear cut idea about the worst case scenarios; the situation is not that bad. Simple, If we are to learn; learn more!! there is no other way, do we??

Guys.. The paradigm shift(Yea, its a cliché. I know) I had was very small. If you ask me, I would say. hmmmm… I started thinking from why to how. Or more precisely, The question changed from “why is this happening to me” to “How can I change this??” Trust me, the effect that this had in the response is huge

There is something so simple yet indigestable thing about time that I have come to notice these days. Time that one go though every day, every hour.

The phenomenon that I came to notice is, when we work, the passage of time is that of a snail. In office, a small time unit, a day, for example, filled with hourly work updates and tickets and bugs and fatigue, appear endless. We often even forget what all things happened today, or more strickingly, we fail to connect if this particular event which I am so sure happened, happened today or yesterday or even, doubt if it happened at all!

On the contarary, a larger time unit, perhaps a week,seem to pass very quickly. On friday evening, you feel like monday morning was just hours ago. Even worse, at the end of the week, if you are asked what did you do on tuesday evening, we’ll end up digging the brains for hours for an answer.

I am sure that I’ll get at least a dozen of my friends to stand with me if I but ask, which one is longer- a day or a week?

Another similar stricking feature that came to my observation is the time we spend at home. After a weeks work, we take an off and we’ve got 3 friends to visit at 50 km radius. 2 Bank appointments and a family function. Most often, we’ll be able to abide all the commitments and even save some time to spare. At the end of the day, we’ll feel like the day was good and purposeful.
On the contarary, what of the time we had spent sitting idle at home? We ain’t do a thing, and at the end of the day, we feel like ‘wow!! that day went fast!!

Conclusion
A day is remembered, by the deeds done. By the things which are registerd in our memory. The more things we do, which we believe is purposeful, the more memorable the time be. Or as one of my friend would say, the more enjoyable the work, the more memorable will be the time.
This is but a matter of choice. A choice to love what we are supposed to do. Obviously, I donot claim this choice to be an easy one. But imagine the bliss, to enjoy the work one has to do to earn his daily bread!! I presume, he’ll soon own a bread factory!

Prologue

The entire thought process of this article was evolved by a notion triggered by Thommu, our own achayan. May God be kind to him and may the Lady Luck bring him happiness forevermore.

Of all the addictions that I suffer, late night driving is one thing I love the most. Of course, you cannot count the other obvious addiction.

There is something magnetic about the entire thing that I have come to notice. Something that always sing to you. Something that always pulls us towards it. What can possibly be better than a late night drive, @50-65 kmph, windows rolled down, slight breeze caressing your face, the sight of the full moon now and then in between the trees that hover on both sides. And to add the cherry, if it is a just-rained environment. Aah! there can NOT be something more enjoyable.

But as usual, there will always be something to rain on the parade. Yea, you guessed it right. I call them headlights. I donot know, how many times I have lost my patience with the never dimming headlights of all those heavy trucks.

When you start the journey, with a very pleasant mood, Its like.. aah, headlights.. Let me dim mine. and probably he’ll do the same. Alas, they never do so! Another half an hour journey without any positive response, the mood starts its breakdown.

Then observing starts.. looking into the headlights of the coming truck, checking if they are going to dim the lights when I am doing it. its like Ok, I am being polite. I dimmed the lights. Now its your turn. dim the lights. <loop started (n)>tick tick tick<loop ends(n=0)>  Ok. You didn’t. Asshole. (turn the light back to bright) See?? see?? Even I have a bright light!
Note:n α 1/T.  =>as T↑, n↓… I call that level, a level of zero tolerance.

Now that we are in level of zero tolerance, we NEVER switch the light to dim. And many a times, we encroach into enemy territory(wrong side) to prove, Hell yeah, even I have lights.Self propagating loop starts, I propagate the screw-dom that I am in. gives a taste to every other driver who comes in my path. More the people who come my way, more will be the people who gets really pissed off!

It was only when Thommu pointed it out to me that I noticed..The problem is, I look into the light. Didn’t quite understand, right? Yea. I look into the light. when ever a vehicle comes up, I keep on looking into the headlight, checking to see if he is polite enough to dim the lights. To check if he is reciprocating to me. I keep on looking at it for so long, that I’ll suffer temporary blindness. Even if this particular experience is highly painful, I will not learn. I shout at them for not dimming the lights, I speed up to dissipate the anger, I do all those things which I am not supposed to do during driving.. Still I continue to look at the lights. I’m not gonna learn.

Thommu had a sure shot solution for this. When ever I detect that a vehicle is coming, look at the leftmost part of the road. Look at it so hard and look at it so carefully, and try to pull your vehicle close to the periphery of the road that you forget to do anything else. Even forget to look at the light.

Guys, I tried this out and you know what?? Its awesome. Well, its not false proof. Still, its better than any ideas I have come up with till date. Its simple, yet good.

How many sms we receive daily preaching how to live our life! How many books we read, to help ourselves fare well in tough times! We read a lot, and we quote a lot. But I seriously doubt how many of us  are able to do that, when that precarious situation finally comes.

Today, I would like to add a simple thought to that pile. A simple thought that Thommu triggered. When a problem comes, we stare it for so long, that we forget that there is a way out. We look into it and loom over it over and over that we never see the solution. So long that we forget, there is hope.

I ain’t ask you to forget your commitments, live the life of a tinker. No. I simply suggest, that there is always a second door out. However small or insignificant it may seem to be!

Wherever we stand, we always have a choice

True, But the implications is what I would like to think of!

True, when ever I was stuck, I had a choice. I could choose from a list of possible outcomes. When we say we can always choose, it doesn’t mean that its going to be easy, or even human.

When I say I started loving a girl, I had a choice. I could choose whether to love her, or to control my “uncontrollable ” feeling I had for her. I could be ideal, I could be robotic, and I could, really, perhaps, try to control it. But to control it, would be nothing less than inhuman, nothing less than robotic, where one would retain allegiance to his protocols without remorse or even any feelings! To control it would render me to something I am not!

I could think, I was thinking, and that is what I was made of!

Cogito ergo sum: I think therefore I am.

I could think, and I had feelings and that made me decide, Yes.. I do love her. Now, once, a choice is made, I donot think that once can back off from it. Whether it be a public proclamation or be it a self-instruction. A person of conscience can never go back.

The point I want to make is, the choices of your’s are like mountains on your shoulder. We can never put it of.

There is one thing I discovered these days. A theory, kindof.. The best thing in life is to be dynamic. like dynamic allocation of memory..

There is no purpose in speculating and calculating. the probability that any speculation will work the way you want is i/x, where x in the number of people involved in speculation. and i, is the no of people (in x), who speculates exactly the way you are speculating.

For example,
If I tell 22 people about my new dream/speculation, you all start speculating in your own way. so, the probability of getting it done in my way is, 1/22. Well, there is a meager probability that one or 2 people will think in my own way. Even then,the max probability that I can obtain will be 1/11.

got it??

It doesn’t mean that I should not reveal my plans. The point is, that there is not much point in planning. The better way is, defend it the way it comes. )

When we are alert, and dynamic one can respond in a much better way. Seriously, I’ve responded the best in these situations.

1. Accidents.. all 11 of them were reacted with an efficiency which reminded me of the final hr before university exams.

2. Lay-offs. Well, Not in my wildest dream I planned to face it. But trust me, I could handle it pretty well.

Well!! This is not a th. for a completely broken hearted or hopeless people!!

I just wanted to convey that our responses are much sharper when the situation is unpredicted. When we have a situation which is coming forth, lets take, an interview.. we’re tensed of what the outcome will be! Or, in scientific terms, we’re getting tensed over the predicted risk..
Now, as we all know, getting tensed reduces one’s efficiency by 40-60% depending upon gender.( guys are less suseptable to tension break-downs..yeaaey!!) So,  when there is a calculated or predicted risk, our efficiency definitely reduces.

Now, when the situation spontaneous, we don’t have time, actually to brood over it. we need to act immediately! so, our efficiency will be much much better!

You can definitely note this, by the fact that unpredicted risks are “usually” better managed by female than male community..

So, what say you??

Perhaps it is an irony, that men often fail to identify the passion of his life. For they become so busy running after what they think as the “most important thing” in their life. Friends, think again. Ain’t not the passion that you cherish deep in your heart be the  most important thing? And yet again, ain’t that be the most brutally suppressed wish that you carry in your heart? I say, yes.

Often as we run about, striving to do something for our survival, we forget that if we but try, the stressful fight for survival can very well be replaced by the design and development of our own future. I had days when I used to push the day through, work hard like a donkey and at the end of the day, think back and sigh.  oh yes, there will always be a “wish”. I would wish, oh god, why cannot you give me a better life? why should I ear all this load?

As I shifted my focus from struggle for survival to a constant and methodological approach to design my life, I quickly started feeling the difference. There was one hell of a difference between living your life as your decision and living your life at the whim of someone you may never even know. There is a undefinable thrust which makes you feel that you are in command of your own life. Guys, if that is not freedom, what is it? if life is not lived like that, why on earth should we live?

Once I received an sms. I said like this. ” A cause to live for should be a cause to die for!” No, I am not talking about Naxalism or Communism. I am talking about the very cause for which one lives. People lives for the family, for sustaining a relation, for the sake of surviving, and what not.. What is pleasure in living, and living on and on if we be any Tom,Dick or Harry? If we leave no trace of our own existence,  if we leave no footprints on the sands of our times, will it make any difference if he never lived? I think not.

The days we are living now, are toughest of days and the most crucial of the times. These are days of problems. It do be designed that only the toughest survive, and the only the best excel.  I say, with every problem, there comes an opportunity. An opportunity to prove that you stand amongst the best.

Perhaps you may think,  this be the drivel of a loser or a man who lost his marbles. If you think so, so be it. But I should say, I’m not gonna lay down my weapons before putting up a good fight.

As it is said, If this is to be my end, I’ll make it such an end which is worthy of remembrance.

Seems like a coincidence.. That I stopped blogging ever since I asked for her hand. And I restarted it just before the day she said a No. This occurrence seems to be very sporadic, as the the two points in the time line marked their presence with delivery of heavy blows to me! They stand as the landmarks of my life. The no-so-welcomed-landmarks.

One thing for sure, I’ve given up writing Big huge blogs about her. Seems like writing never served the purpose, and it never will. By writing about her, I had many hopes..

• That she will read it through and will know what I feel for her.
• That I’ll get a temporary relaxation from the stress I am going through.

Both failed, and  here I am, writing again.  Shit re! she never even read through. and if she read it through, she never thought what I said, I said from my heart! Or, she don’t know how to read english! Perhaps I should try writing in malayalam. Or, I may have to provide a decoder along fo decrypt the meaning! Well, I was devastated once I had her output. Seriously, the little boy of Hiroshima was far less severe!

I’ve thought through and through.. and have a stable ground, now. Its always better to know the hard truth than to be in a fools paradice! And, I donot believe that there is any point in squabbling for the forbidden fruit. Denied, and Thats it.

There is a Greek myth of Pandora’s Box.  Opened, it delivered the earth with all the terrible pains.. leaving only one thing behind. It was hope. A 2 sided sword it is, hope. Sometimes, you rely on it for your life. And at times, you give up hope to continue living. For me, its been a very bad thing, hope. For, if I continue like this, Its gonna kill me before a blink of an eye. It seems that I’ve been doing the “opening-closing” ceremony of my pandora’s box as a hobby, now a days and this have left me with all the pains of mind.

Now what, I donot know. Should I close the box with hope inside, sealed for ever? or should I embrace the situation and keep the hope going? I donot know.

Its been long. Yea, too long! I dunno what possible explanation I should give. And what ever I may give, none will suffice. So, not bothered to give any!

Life is getting tougher. You need to breath hard, sweat out and what not, to survive in this jungle.. I do not know.. One side, there is the pressure and stress. And on the other side, there is this ever-persisting background music which calls out for her name. I had thought waiting would be far simpler. It turned out not! Seems like I’ve been a hypocrite who told the world that he have lot of powers, talents. Seems like, I stand naked in the rain, again

I wish to see a rain. Its been so long since i ran a bike through the rain, with rain water splashing on my face. Hands too cold, that you won’t even think of removing it to apply the breaks. I miss the rain back home.

Everything seems so unfamiliar, everything seems so distant, unanswered, looming over my head. Seems like everything is emitting an emotion. and that, being nothing but pure hate. Its been said, that what you get is that which you give. So, does this mean that I’m giving out pure hate? Or does this mean that what I give out is misintrepretted as hate? I do not know.

There is one more thing which prompts me to write. Most of the guys who wre here would have presumed me dead after a silence this long. Let it be. If I am really dead, this should act as my reincarnation.

I’ll be writing again. There is nothing much left here which will help me to hold on to sanity. Nothing but this. There is one line which is in Hotel California..  Some dance to remember, some dance to forget.Why am I writing, I donot know. Perhaps to remember.. perhaps to forget.