Choice

Wherever we stand, we always have a choice

True, But the implications is what I would like to think of!

True, when ever I was stuck, I had a choice. I could choose from a list of possible outcomes. When we say we can always choose, it doesn’t mean that its going to be easy, or even human.

When I say I started loving a girl, I had a choice. I could choose whether to love her, or to control my “uncontrollable ” feeling I had for her. I could be ideal, I could be robotic, and I could, really, perhaps, try to control it. But to control it, would be nothing less than inhuman, nothing less than robotic, where one would retain allegiance to his protocols without remorse or even any feelings! To control it would render me to something I am not!

I could think, I was thinking, and that is what I was made of!

Cogito ergo sum: I think therefore I am.

I could think, and I had feelings and that made me decide, Yes.. I do love her. Now, once, a choice is made, I donot think that once can back off from it. Whether it be a public proclamation or be it a self-instruction. A person of conscience can never go back.

The point I want to make is, the choices of your’s are like mountains on your shoulder. We can never put it of.

 

Theory of Speculation

There is one thing I discovered these days. A theory, kindof.. The best thing in life is to be dynamic. like dynamic allocation of memory..

There is no purpose in speculating and calculating. the probability that any speculation will work the way you want is i/x, where x in the number of people involved in speculation. and i, is the no of people (in x), who speculates exactly the way you are speculating.

For example,
If I tell 22 people about my new dream/speculation, you all start speculating in your own way. so, the probability of getting it done in my way is, 1/22. Well, there is a meager probability that one or 2 people will think in my own way. Even then,the max probability that I can obtain will be 1/11.

got it??

It doesn’t mean that I should not reveal my plans. The point is, that there is not much point in planning. The better way is, defend it the way it comes. )

When we are alert, and dynamic one can respond in a much better way. Seriously, I’ve responded the best in these situations.

1. Accidents.. all 11 of them were reacted with an efficiency which reminded me of the final hr before university exams.

2. Lay-offs. Well, Not in my wildest dream I planned to face it. But trust me, I could handle it pretty well.

Well!! This is not a th. for a completely broken hearted or hopeless people!!

I just wanted to convey that our responses are much sharper when the situation is unpredicted. When we have a situation which is coming forth, lets take, an interview.. we’re tensed of what the outcome will be! Or, in scientific terms, we’re getting tensed over the predicted risk..
Now, as we all know, getting tensed reduces one’s efficiency by 40-60% depending upon gender.( guys are less suseptable to tension break-downs..yeaaey!!) So,  when there is a calculated or predicted risk, our efficiency definitely reduces.

Now, when the situation spontaneous, we don’t have time, actually to brood over it. we need to act immediately! so, our efficiency will be much much better!

You can definitely note this, by the fact that unpredicted risks are “usually” better managed by female than male community..

So, what say you??

 

Opportunity Beckons!

Perhaps it is an irony, that men often fail to identify the passion of his life. For they become so busy running after what they think as the “most important thing” in their life. Friends, think again. Ain’t not the passion that you cherish deep in your heart be the  most important thing? And yet again, ain’t that be the most brutally suppressed wish that you carry in your heart? I say, yes.

Often as we run about, striving to do something for our survival, we forget that if we but try, the stressful fight for survival can very well be replaced by the design and development of our own future. I had days when I used to push the day through, work hard like a donkey and at the end of the day, think back and sigh.  oh yes, there will always be a “wish”. I would wish, oh god, why cannot you give me a better life? why should I ear all this load?

As I shifted my focus from struggle for survival to a constant and methodological approach to design my life, I quickly started feeling the difference. There was one hell of a difference between living your life as your decision and living your life at the whim of someone you may never even know. There is a undefinable thrust which makes you feel that you are in command of your own life. Guys, if that is not freedom, what is it? if life is not lived like that, why on earth should we live?

Once I received an sms. I said like this. ” A cause to live for should be a cause to die for!” No, I am not talking about Naxalism or Communism. I am talking about the very cause for which one lives. People lives for the family, for sustaining a relation, for the sake of surviving, and what not.. What is pleasure in living, and living on and on if we be any Tom,Dick or Harry? If we leave no trace of our own existence,  if we leave no footprints on the sands of our times, will it make any difference if he never lived? I think not.

The days we are living now, are toughest of days and the most crucial of the times. These are days of problems. It do be designed that only the toughest survive, and the only the best excel.  I say, with every problem, there comes an opportunity. An opportunity to prove that you stand amongst the best.

Perhaps you may think,  this be the drivel of a loser or a man who lost his marbles. If you think so, so be it. But I should say, I’m not gonna lay down my weapons before putting up a good fight.

As it is said, If this is to be my end, I’ll make it such an end which is worthy of remembrance.

 

From point A to Point B

Seems like a coincidence.. That I stopped blogging ever since I asked for her hand. And I restarted it just before the day she said a No. This occurrence seems to be very sporadic, as the the two points in the time line marked their presence with delivery of heavy blows to me! They stand as the landmarks of my life. The no-so-welcomed-landmarks.

One thing for sure, I’ve given up writing Big huge blogs about her. Seems like writing never served the purpose, and it never will. By writing about her, I had many hopes..

• That she will read it through and will know what I feel for her.
• That I’ll get a temporary relaxation from the stress I am going through.

Both failed, and  here I am, writing again.  Shit re! she never even read through. and if she read it through, she never thought what I said, I said from my heart! Or, she don’t know how to read english! Perhaps I should try writing in malayalam. Or, I may have to provide a decoder along fo decrypt the meaning! Well, I was devastated once I had her output. Seriously, the little boy of Hiroshima was far less severe!

I’ve thought through and through.. and have a stable ground, now. Its always better to know the hard truth than to be in a fools paradice! And, I donot believe that there is any point in squabbling for the forbidden fruit. Denied, and Thats it.

There is a Greek myth of Pandora’s Box.  Opened, it delivered the earth with all the terrible pains.. leaving only one thing behind. It was hope. A 2 sided sword it is, hope. Sometimes, you rely on it for your life. And at times, you give up hope to continue living. For me, its been a very bad thing, hope. For, if I continue like this, Its gonna kill me before a blink of an eye. It seems that I’ve been doing the “opening-closing” ceremony of my pandora’s box as a hobby, now a days and this have left me with all the pains of mind.

Now what, I donot know. Should I close the box with hope inside, sealed for ever? or should I embrace the situation and keep the hope going? I donot know.

 

After Soo long

Its been long. Yea, too long! I dunno what possible explanation I should give. And what ever I may give, none will suffice. So, not bothered to give any!

Life is getting tougher. You need to breath hard, sweat out and what not, to survive in this jungle.. I do not know.. One side, there is the pressure and stress. And on the other side, there is this ever-persisting background music which calls out for her name. I had thought waiting would be far simpler. It turned out not! Seems like I’ve been a hypocrite who told the world that he have lot of powers, talents. Seems like, I stand naked in the rain, again

I wish to see a rain. Its been so long since i ran a bike through the rain, with rain water splashing on my face. Hands too cold, that you won’t even think of removing it to apply the breaks. I miss the rain back home.

Everything seems so unfamiliar, everything seems so distant, unanswered, looming over my head. Seems like everything is emitting an emotion. and that, being nothing but pure hate. Its been said, that what you get is that which you give. So, does this mean that I’m giving out pure hate? Or does this mean that what I give out is misintrepretted as hate? I do not know.

There is one more thing which prompts me to write. Most of the guys who wre here would have presumed me dead after a silence this long. Let it be. If I am really dead, this should act as my reincarnation.

I’ll be writing again. There is nothing much left here which will help me to hold on to sanity. Nothing but this. There is one line which is in Hotel California..  Some dance to remember, some dance to forget.Why am I writing, I donot know. Perhaps to remember.. perhaps to forget.