Random Thoughts

Its raining. The fresh smell of the soil soaked by the new rain still lingers in the air, even though its been some time since the rain started. All I can hear is the sound of rain beating the fragile asbestos which protects me from the mighty downpour. All I can see from here is the silhouette of the rain with the street light in the back ground. The raindrops that fall into that puddle of mud. The illuminated sign of a cross on the top of a church, which is partially visible through the rubber forest which is in front of me. I dare not look to my back. The thickets could be intimidating.

I am alone. I have been standing here for the last 43 minutes, and its just a truck that passed me by. A part of me is intimidated, as I donot wish to be like this not talking for this long. The other part is happy, as the efficiency of those vehicles to splash mud on the bystanders when its raining is close to 200%.

Its late. Well, its almost 3 am. That would partially explain why I am alone in the road. The other part is simple, I had work till now. Was in the afternoon shift. Came in at 3, and then it was 11. But, once we start exploring something, there will be a “fevicol in the seat” syndrome. Well, it was 2.30 when I could get myself up from the seat.

Its flexi tomorrow and I need to get back only by 6 pm. That option triggers another thought. Why not go home?? Its been almost a month that I went home.. 50 km from here; no traffic; it wont take more than 1 hour to reach there. I never take much time to take a decision like this. Decided. Off, I go; and here I stand. 😀 Out of the blue started the rain, and I am stuck up in here- in the middle of nowhere. All we have here in the canvas is : Me, My bike, and an asbestos shed which could go down any mment from now

When the wait began, it was irritation, and tiredness. But now, its different. Now, I wonder how long it should have been since I walked in the rain. I wonder if I remember how good it would feel to walk that path again. What am I waiting for?? Walk the path again, or what! I stepped into the rain. gee… It tickles when cold water spluttering on my warm body; Feels good when the droplets go in through the hair locks. Feels even better when I feel the the warmth subside to give room to the cold.

After all these days, It feels like heaven to be a kid.

She was down, that day.. Was almost at the verge of tears.. And when she came running to me, I could not wait to take her in my arms, hug her and let the feeling dissipate. There is a magic, in the act of touch you know.. It makes one hell of a difference. A simple contact of the fingers gives that feeling of security.. I hold you, and you see the unwritten pact; that I will be there for you.

I hugged her. Crushed her, would be a better usage. And there we stood, motionless for an entire eternity.. It could have been a few seconds.. or perhaps hours.. I never know. I wonder if I would ever know..

” I was in this delirium of bliss.. I was so happy for some time. Now, I do not know!! I was in this soap bubble of happiness, believing that nothing could possibly go wrong. And now, the bubble has burst. Etta, I feel so lonely now. Feels like, it never existed! Its not like something happened to prove me wrong.. But I feel so insecure..”

“hmm.. Da, the point is, it is very difficult to say if the bubble is still there or not. Once you are inside the bubble of happiness, you are happy. You are inside, and you believe that the bubble is still there, fine. No issues. You lose the trust, and you reach out to check if the bubble is still there. You touch it and then, it will not be there anymore.

Believe that the bubble exist. Then, even if it is not there, it is not going to make a difference. If not, you are going to destroy your own paradise. You could blame me that I am creating my own sphere of belief around me. Well, yes. I am. But then da, I would prefer to live in my own paradise.”

She withdrew from me, looked into my eyes, and spoke softly. Thank you etta. I wondered what caused her eyes to glisten.

Perhaps, I didnt shudder much when he delivered the verdict. Perhaps it is because I am going through the same shit for the second time in a few months time, that I didn’t utter a curse.

So much for the 30 days training which we so painfully underwent.. Like the most, lost in the oblivion; made for nothing. If I am to analyze the feeling that I am going through now, I believe I will find things that will make me startled, at the least. That is something that I have trained myself all these days. Not the startling part.. But the analysis part.

It is a wonderful feeling that you get every time when you analyze the behavior of the self. Not only that it will help you a lot in understanding the responses; but also, give an insight of the reaction that could trigger in the receiving entity.

The scenario is best suited when you know that you are supposed to be mad at a particular circumstance.
The possible reactions this would have triggered in you would be:

• The tendency to shout at people 😀
• The feeling “Why is this always happening to me??”
• “He is responsible for all this crap that I have to go through now. If only he had not assigned me to this new shit!!”
• I hate this crap!

Well, I think these were the predominant feelings that I had. Now, when I was thinking on it, I was able to structurize the path through which these emotions and feelings build up.

1. The situation is bad : mandatory circumstance
2. We think for a moment; what on earth can I do to improve it. Mind you, a moment. Not more.
3. Finding no immediate shortcut solution, we dive deep into the emotional attack.

Now, I started the analysis at the step 2. Well, I think I extended the time-dom of the step by a bit. It was pretty easy. It could be assumed that if the step 2 comes to a dead end within no time, the invariable destination will be step 3 and through that, depression. I do not want that, do I? Nay. The answer is and will be a stiff necked NO.

So. Thinking on the issue again. What can I do, to improve the shit that I am in. There is not a point in blaming the company. They had to do the work, after all it is business. And I am dead sure that they did not mean it to be personal. So, leave that part. Thinking, we try to define the shit that we are in. Well, if we are to define… Hmmm.. I need to learn a lot of new things. I will have night shifts. Tickets mean no more “lots of free time”. Lots and lots of work.

Once the situation is defined and we have a clear cut idea about the worst case scenarios; the situation is not that bad. Simple, If we are to learn; learn more!! there is no other way, do we??

Guys.. The paradigm shift(Yea, its a cliché. I know) I had was very small. If you ask me, I would say. hmmmm… I started thinking from why to how. Or more precisely, The question changed from “why is this happening to me” to “How can I change this??” Trust me, the effect that this had in the response is huge 🙂